Working at the same place for a long time, you're bound to get bugged by some stuff. Likewise, you probably bug other people with some of your stuff. And so, (dun dun dahhhh) there was trouble at work. I know, know- that I am a good employee. I show up, I show up on time, I work hard, I stay until the end. I'm a waitress, this should not be hard. And for me, it isn't. It sounds almost laughable to say I quit my job over some bread and a tray.
I did.
As much as I would love to spin a tale of woe and of being misunderstood, to point fingers and rant and rail at the unfairness of it all...well. Shit. Life ain't fair. It just really isn't. Or, maybe when it's not being fair to me, it's being more fair to someone else. Life is suffering. Sometimes. That's what makes it balance. After all, if everything were rainbows and kitties all the time- well, you get the picture.
By now I've had some time to get used to the fact that I quit a job I'd had for over four years. The signals have been there from the beginning, but I just wasn't listening. Over the years, over and over, I would question my reasons for staying. Finally after the last incident, after three days of agonizing, hand wringing, crying, and not sleeping- I had this flash of brilliance. (sometimes signs have to be way more obvious because you just aren't getting it.) Wait! Who has the power here? Whose life is this anyway? Why am I torturing myself when I know, know- that I did nothing wrong?
I got myself together. I decided I was quitting. I deserved better. The reason I could quit without guilt was right there in front of me this whole time. I deserve better. I am better. I trust myself to do what it takes to provide my share for my family. And that share isn't just about money. That share is about integrity, and confidence, and self-worth. About showing my husband and my children that I know that I am important and I should be treated that way.
Sometimes I think we forget that we have such a huge say in the way other people treat us.
Sometimes I think we forget that we have such a huge say in the way we treat ourselves.
I was really nice to myself. I had some wine, I ate some ice cream. (2 oreo cones in one day.) I got up and did yoga. I gave myself time to think without making it all anxious. I talked to myself like I was my own mama. I asked for help in the wee hours of the morning and tried hard not to force the answer. I sat in the sauna after spin class and talked to the older ladies when they came in to warm up after water aerobics. (this was one of the helpful-est things.) I told myself it was okay. I made my inner bully go away- far away.
I got my resume together. I went to an interview. I called my old boss. He said, "Come back."
I listened.
In addition to leaving a job I didn't like (the people, on the other hand- some were very hard to leave.) I got the added bonus of finding something I do really like. My courage. I learned that if I take the time to listen to myself I really only have my own best interests at heart. And that sometimes a little wine, some ice cream, sweat, and patience can make even the worst situations seem better. That things that are sooooo big today get smaller tomorrow. That few days of perspective is all I really needed. I learned that when I say, "Help me" in my own shy tremble-y voice there are people near and far who are glad to hold my hand and give comfort.
Now I'll listen more closely when it seems like time to fold 'em. I knew long ago it was time to walk away. I'm just glad I was ready when it was time to run.
