The Fullest Plate

You see what time it is. Late, oh, so so late. But after getting home from work I just cannot seem to shut down, to put it all away and just sleep. Possibly because so much of my days aren't just MINE anymore.

I used to go to the Y, hang out all day, bum around just being the pseudo stay-at-home mom I've been for years. Not anymore. Now, don't get me wrong- I adore my new job. The hours, however are throwing me for a loop. After years of getting home around nine or ten I struggle with rolling in around twelve or so. And working days- or doubles. I see Jack for breakfast, then not until the next morning. Only some days, but still.

To be honest, my whole being is just struggling. Struggling with not being able to spend time with anyone in my family- too bad they all don't stay up super late so we can eat snacks and cuddle around midnight.

I suppose life really is about the struggle, the push and pull of change and compromise. Handling it with grace and love and patience (which has never been my strong suit) and embracing the newness of it all. I am not doing any of those. I want to. I have these talks inside my head that tell me "It's OK" and "Just go to bed" but I am selfish, and needy, and stubborn. I am ego at it's finest and cannot right now let go of what was and what it really is.I cannot help loving what I'm doing and feeling regret all at once. I cannot get to a place where I am fine with missing the days and the sleep (oh, the sleep. It's like I'm with a newborn again.)

Things have suffered with my new schedule- my blog, my early morning yoga, my solidness, my happiness.

Not to mention the hernia surgery that I'll have to have in mid July- but only after the restaurant slows down enough for me to take the weeks (JESUS! WEEKS!) off that I have to to recover adequately. I'm not even supposed to be picking Hampton up. And he requires that about twenty-seven times a day.

And my yoga teacher training. Oh, yeah. That's over for this year. I've waited a long damn time for this- an opportunity to do something that was a light for me. A thing that told me what I wanted to do with my life, what I wanted to be. Instead I'll just keep being what I've been for years- a waitress.

Which, when I write that seems pretty appropriate- a waitress. A waiter, someone who waits. Do you ever feel like you've been waiting for that right inspiration, the right thing to come along? That answer that finally, FINALLY shows up after you've just washed your hands of the whole thing and then blam! Here it is! That's the way I felt about my teacher training. Like I'd stopped looking only to have the answer right in my hands so easily. Of course, of course- being a yoga teacher was perfect for me.

Except, maybe not now. Especially when I'm finally making really good money, and enjoying my job more than I have in YEARS. It's so hard to feel so strained and still have a dream and then put it away. It's really hard to shake up my identity and still feel like ME.

I suppose that's the hardest part. Every bit of my reality has changed drastically in the past six weeks. From cutting my hair to turning forty to changing jobs to putting a dream on hold. I wish I could say I'm handling it with grace, but I'm not. I really want to be, but sometimes I want to wish the present away just to sink back into the past. The easy, predictable, known past. I knew who I was then. Now, I sometimes just can't tell.

My plate is really full. And I'm blessed and lucky and busy and tired. And as much as I try to convince myself that I can do this, I am doing it, sometimes I feel so passed by I just should probably sit down.

Perhaps I'm feeling also mortal, and older, and incapable. Sheesh. Thanks for reading.

Schedule: 2. A plan for performing work or achieving an objective, specifying the order and allotted time for each part

I've been trying, I swear, to find time to write a thoughtful blog that pays some homage to my big month of April. Alas, I'm still settling into my new work schedule so this hasn't really happened. (At least not decent enough to be posted.) Or really, instead of that whole "homage" thing, just a blog to keep everyone interested and reading and to keep me from feeling like I abandoned my project altogether. My new for-my-birthday laptop should arrive any day, then I can do this anywhere. (YAY!)

 I'm going to wrangle myself into a new schedule, I swear. For my sanity this should happen soon. Hope everyone is doing just right. Wait until you see the garden! The garden gnomes are selling it growing crack, everything is huge. I hope you all like tomatoes, I fear we may have eighty billion of them....