I Give Up.

When I wake up in the morning the negatives start marching in. "Oh, God. It's too early. I'm tired. It's a school day. What am I going to make for breakfast?" You know, that never ending narration of your day that threads through everything you do, even if it's just laying in bed contemplating the day. I want to know when I stopped waking up with a bit of joie de vivre- that whoo hoo it's a new day. Probably around 4th or 5th grade when school became work and not just where I spent 5 days a week playing with friends, singing songs, and eating rectangular pizza. (man, that stuff was really delicious.)

Yesterday was the start of Lent. You know, when people who celebrate Ash Wednesday get ashed, and people who don't wonder why all these people have dirt on their foreheads. 'Tis the season of giving something up, a sacrifice to God. I was doing some reading about Lent yesterday and I truly didn't know that Lent was about sacrifice, I thought it was just about religious folk giving something up since they were going to be chowing a bunch of Easter candy. Suffer for your sins. But sacrifice? Well.

I had this moment yesterday when I realized that sacrifice and honor could be best friends, maybe even family. And they don't have to be a negative. They can be something you do just for you, something you do to honor yourself and/or God. If you give up wine for Lent, when you go to pour that glass thinking about disappointing God can be a pretty good deterrent. We all need someone besides ourselves to be afraid of disappointing.

Giving up. I've been doing a lot of thinking about giving up, what to give up? Especially since I've already given up booze, and dairy, and meat. (Dairy and meat for the most part. I don't say never again (yet) but I'm not going to turn down a cookie just because there's an egg in it.) Then I started wondering...what if I get something, but it's really giving something up? Like giving up a negative habit instead of trying to make a positive one?

Lent is like a group effort to stop having things that make you feel bad. It's nice to think of everyone else suffering in the kitchen after dinner with the death grip on the box of Tagalongs. And for 40 days? (Really 46, apparently you get Sundays off. I didn't know. Here's a link to an awesome page I found: http://www.wilstar.com/holidays/lent.htm  ) Kind of like a kick start for New Years Resolutions. Oh, you forgot you promised to get healthier for New Years? Welp, no worries! Here's Lent! Try it for 40 days, maybe a whole year is a bit much. Pat, pat. It's OK. Even quitting something for a week is hard.

Which brings me back to that negative narrative my brain seems to love. That's what I'm giving up for Lent. Being so damn hard on myself and my day. For these 40 (46) days I'm not going to beat myself up so much. I'll stop trying so hard to be mother of the year, running faster, fitting in books and yardwork and taking up knitting and keeping the car clean...AHHHHH! For this one season I'm going to be gentle with myself and offer kind words of encouragement. "You look so pretty today" instead of "Gee, your hair looks like shit again today. And that zit is really huge. And ugly." Or, "Your butt looks OK in those jeans" instead of "God, I need to lose 10 pounds. My ass is huge."

So, I give up. I'm pretty sure I'll still be hard on myself. This habit will take more than 40 days to change- it's been almost 40 years in the making. Sacrificing the cranky inner dialogue to honor who I really am, who I really want to be. But I'm thinking my inner mean girls might just need a hug and a kind word. And maybe some chocolate.