I discovered a few things about myself during this hiatus from my so-called "normal" life.
1.) I am not a good patient. I do not like other people doing stuff for me, which probably stems from my whole trust issue baggage. I know I will do it the way I want it done, but can you? Hmmmmm. I'll need to think on that. In the meantime, I'll just do it myself.
2.) Only lifting things that weigh as much or less than a gallon of milk is almost impossible. Try it. Oooppp! Put that down. I'm sure your purse weighs more than that. I know my three year old does. And how the hell do you make him sit in time out without carrying him there? If he were listening then I wouldn't be in that situation in the first place. So I had to cheat.
3.) Every time I use the bathroom I feel grateful. After going to the ER the night after my surgery since I couldn't pee and the aforementioned poo issue I am glad to be able to go on my own, and to be able to go at all. So count as one of your blessings being able to use the potty on your own if you can. Not being able to is a royal pain in the you know what. This was the best example of "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" I've ever had. In my life.
4.) There is humor in even the worst situation. Although I was in the worst pain of my life (including childbirth) the night I went to the ER mere hours after my surgery because I could not manage to urinate (after chugging water all afternoon) I still sort of had to laugh. Imagine me, dying. It's 1:30 AM. We've been at the ER since 10:00 PM. Jonathan is bleary eyed watching something random on hospital satellite TV. Nurse comes to finally put my catheter in. After an embarrassing amount of tries (I really wanted to help) I suggest a that maybe someone else might want to come help. Another nurse comes in. Now I have two women peering curiously at my va-jay-jay. We give it another try or ten. No luck. A third nurse joins the group. Now here I am, dying, with three women bent over me and my delicates. Finally they get the catheter in. I fill a 2200 ml bag in thirty mins. That's around five cups. Hey, I really did have to go!
5.) The whole medical system is flooded with sick people. (duh.) I have never seen so many sick people. Billion dollar business medicating symptoms and not the root of the problem. I could hear the cash register ka-chinging every moment. My first three hours at the emergency room cost over $1300. No fancy tests, just a particularly painful I.V. and a brief chat with the doctor. It took me twenty-five minutes just to check in for my post op check. Of course, that appointment isn't until next Monday, but that's almost beside the point. I am still shaking my head in disbelief and wonder at how many people are at the hospital. We are really the most unhealthy bunch of folks. God Bless America.
6.) I want to take the best care of myself that I can. I do not want to be that grossly overweight woman trying to give blood bruised all over in a wheelchair with oxygen tubes up my nose. I can only hope the things I do help to keep me up and running for a long good time to come. You want inspiration for starting a fitness program? Head to your local hospital. Look at all the people who couldn't run a step if it were their hearts fondest desire. Then go for a damn long walk and breathe in. Eat a vegetable instead of a box of something "easy". I could talk about this forever, but will leave it like that for now. You are worth it.
7.) I am not ready to die. I have loads of unfinished business. (like making a will for gods sake) Plus lots of other things I just want to do. I want to be here to see how it all turns out. I want to see my kiddos get big and grown up. And get old with my husband so we can enjoy grandchildren, or just being on our own again. So, I think I already knew that. But thinking about your own mortality can really make you...think.
Afterword: Almost three weeks after my surgery I'm doing pretty well. Still sore, still not doing much *ahem* any heavy lifting, and contemplating going for a run since my surgeon said it was OK. Maybe tomorrow morning hmmm?
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